Chasing The Dragon

As I near the end of the process to lose weight and become healthier, I see now more than ever that there are twists and turns in the path.

I started just before I turned 32, and I’m 36 now, so it’s taken quite some time, but then again I had a lot of weight to lose.

Really it’s been a sea-change in how I think about food, as well as getting more educated about nutrition. Considering food as fuel helped me a lot.

There are times though when the pull of food is there. I was someone for whom eating food made me feel good (as a kid), and so the more I ate the better I felt. Of course, after the food was gone the good feelings evaporated very quickly, and I’d then wish the ground would swallow up the fat sack of shit that I had become.

I’d been feeling particularly hungry these past few days (low carbs, perhaps?) and so went over my calorie budget yesterday by eating a peanut butter bar at 140 calories. No big deal particularly, since it wasn’t like I ate three cheeseburgers or anything. Then I made the mistake of continuing, and opened a bag of dark chocolate granola that I keep around to sprinkle in my yoghurt on occasion. A handful turned into two handfuls, two handfuls turned into three, and before long I had eaten about a quarter of the bag before finally stopping myself. All in all I probably only went about 300 calories over my limit – which is still a deficit – but it did let me touch that part of myself that could just eat and eat without even thinking about it. That’s happened so few times since I started that I could count it on the fingers of one hand.

I’ll probably just subtract 300 calories from today – which will suck – but it will balance the books. It just serves as a reminder that the hunger is always there, in one form or another. You can channel it into something more productive, but it’s like an elastic band – the further you stretch it from its starting position, the greater the chance of it snapping back. It’s probably something that will follow me most of my life, and 99% of the time it is a non-issue. Every once in a while though it’s going to rear its ugly head. Accepting that it will happen and dealing with it when it does happen is part of the process. Food no longer controls me the way it once did, but sometimes it will look extremely attractive to binge for a brief period of time.

And I should really stop buying that dark chocolate granola; that shit is like edible crack.

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